MR. CIRCUS PALIMPSEST / GUMI

All elements in the video were done by me (Haksil) - We live as if we feel so much stuff Counterfeiting what’s meant to be genuine Oh well, too bad, reality’s tough You are falling for mockups of stars aligned. Deep inside I know it’s bad, Living by the hollow imitations of love. Maybe this is driving me mad, But I can’t find anything else to speak of! Life is but a dream and my words don’t mean a thing. Is it my fault or your fault that we’re masking ourselves? I can’t feel a thing, our heart’s hanging on a string Staying truthful to the feelings hardly pleases myself. We know how this is going to end It’s not like we don’t see the impending doom Don’t get me wrong, I love you, my friend! It’s just that my willingness is all consumed Deep inside I know it’s true, No one else is faking their laughter of joy. I would rather live as I am But I can’t find ways to present as myself! Life is not a dream but my words don’t mean a thing It’s not my fault, it’s not your fault, that I’m born as I am No one is to blame, I’m just someone out of luck Staying truthful to my feelings won’t do any good - Palimpsest is a lyrical piece I wrote during the first month of fourth year of University. As a senior, I had more responsibilities than ever; an executive at a students’ association, research lab assistant, crisis responder, and things that required me to be normal. But what is it to be normal? The concept of normality is largely a social construct. It may be laughing along when others are laughing, finding joy in what everyone else finds joy in, being able to empathize with others’ emotions, or having an innate understanding of social interactions. It seems like most people understand the unspoken rules of inside jokes and subtle facial expressions. Well, I did not. To sound presentable, I shadowed standup comedians, influential TED talkers, and movie characters to analyze their intonation for a natural tone. With such efforts, I was perceived as normal. One downside was that school started to feel like an unserious set of drama. It was about masking and fabricating myself to fit into the standards of typicality. The word Palimpsest refers to the act of erasing the original text and replacing it with new writing. It is used in archaeology, mainly to describe manuscripts. School felt the same. I erased myself and replaced it with a new set of a desired personality, not knowing if this could agree with who I really was. However, palimpsest does not fully eradicate the previous text; one could easily tell that something else was present before the new text. What if people see through me? What if they knew that I did not know what their inside jokes meant? What if they knew that I was treating each and every conversation like a puzzle game rather than a spontaneous interaction? So here it is, the most unamazing circus that no one asked for.