Dirty Girl // Miyamai Moca SV2

Something you see with a lot of survivors of CSA is poor hygiene or poor living conditions in general, and this can be due to a combination of several factors. A lot of children undergoing CSA trauma will intentionally try and make themselves disgusting (soiling themselves, refusing to shower or clean up, etc) in order to deter their abuser(s) from finding them attractive or desirable. Other times, it can be about control; during a time of intense psychological distress, children look towards ANY avenue in order to express or practice their autonomy. When I was a teenager, I really badly neglected my hygiene and the cleanliness of my environment. I wasn't being abused anymore, and at that point in my life I didn't even have memory of the abuse / I hadn't processed it AS abuse, but there were still red flags. Part of my neglect of my hygiene stemmed from the fact I felt this deep-seeded, innate disgust with myself, and I felt as though I didn't deserve to feel clean, like taking care of myself would betray the image I had of myself as a horrible, disgusting person. LUCKILY I'm doing a LOT better now, hygiene and beauty's really important to me nowadays because I gained the confidence to see myself as someone deserving of looking / feeling beautiful!! And if you're reading this then YOU DO TOO!! Regardless of where you are in life :D !!! ok yap session over, before I leave I would love to shout out rogerrroger for doing the art for this song!! they blew it OUT THE FUCKING PARK like hoooly shit, i'm genuinely obsessed with the art for this video!!! PLEASE check them out and support them!!!!! [ https://www.tumblr.com/rogerrrroger?source=share ] And you can find my other links / socials over on my carrd! [ https://camovocaaa.carrd.co/ ] --- [Lyrics] eager thing on the brink of bleeding ink don't you see me? ain't i so pretty? greedy thing doesn't even wanna think won't you beat me? show that you like me? drowning in the guilt will you die with your secrets? hold your breath beneath your breast always second best too old to know to cry too young to wanna die your average, ordinary whore tell me nevermore savor that tap the glass until you crack don't you see me? ain't i so filthy? dirty rat with a complicated past won't you please me? show me no mercy? breathe it in deeper say you weren't worth it i knew when i heard it you truly deserved it set it on fire cry and then subvert it like you didn't birth it groom it till it's perfect fully alone filthy down to the bone it'd be foolish to deny i can't lie that's just how i like it judging by taste it's an object to waste i can't help but feel so free liberty i don't have to hide it girl so sweet lying through her rotting teeth she says it's ok it's a passing matter girl decayed always one hand on the blade she says i don't mind i'm not gonna shatter disgusting is this really how you think? oh how taboo i'm nothing like you "don't you quit" "it's hotter when you resist" only you knew better than i could, too drowning in the filth will you die for your secrets? there's a hole beneath my chest coldness in my breath too young to have those thoughts too old to let them rot but it's in everything i see what a fallacy dirty mind it's typical for your kind but i hate it mired in the violence quiet down bury it within the ground would you kill it? a wake with no audience maybe i'm broken born into the garbage but i never got how you've lived within your own rot maybe i'm stupid and i've always know it i don't understand how you're ok with what's on your hands filthy don't you touch me let go of me lord have mercy right through the soul only worth the control it'd be foolish to deny i can't lie i'm just terrified and what a disgrace it's an object replaced oh it's just too much to bare i don't care that it's objectifying girl so numb she can't love what she's become she says how it hurts gutted by a loved one girl decayed always one foot in the grave she says oh it burns but i'm loved by someone --- MP3: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1kyoji_C7JtCmi3vIETFnO8-BO5iNN7pe?usp=drive_link Inst: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1Mq6UZAJMy_txX_rx2F0bQJtJbOhwt9Lx?usp=drive_link SVP: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1ansSFTiYj9rInRwqhf_oLvq_xEE2RJPU?usp=drive_link Vocal midi: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1pYQ7xuRULtj1cNnwy_BSFCG5ODCSQa5e?usp=sharing --- #vocaloid #synthv #synthesizerv #miyamaimoca #originalsong #carbonmonoxide #synthesizerv2