Heliophobia // Solaria [COF]

[Chromaticity of Fear] [Part 1] [Heliophobia] [A higher power] ------ × . trigger warnings for religious trauma, cults, child abuse, and suicidal ideation in the below passage . × × . if you are sensitive to the above topics, feel free to skip the story to get to the lyrics and resources . × ----------------------------------------------------- . {.⋅ ♡ ⋅.} . "Have you heard of the analogy about putting a frog in boiling water? You probably have, it’s a rather popular metaphor used to rationalize the irrational. If you haven’t, it goes like this: if you put a frog straight into boiling water, it tries to jump out and escape, but if you keep it in luke-warm water and increase the temperature by a couple of degrees every few minutes, it won’t be able to tell the water’s getting hotter, up until it boils to death. To any observers it’s obvious that the frog is going to die, but to the frog itself, it hardly even notices before it’s too late." ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ "Imagine how lonely and miserable you’d have to be to agree to something like this, tossed away by those who you thought had loved you, left to rot in the streets knowing that no one would miss you when you died. And this little old man comes up to you and listens to your life story, nodding and smiling his wrinkled old smile that outlined his eyes with crow’s feet, and he promises you everything you could’ve ever wanted- a bed, warm food, and a family- in exchange for listening to him whenever he talked about his faith. He was uniquely charismatic, he wore his heart in his smile. You felt like you could trust him and, well, you really had nowhere else to go." ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ "He would tell this story over, and over, and over, in fact it was the only thing he talked about up until the day he died. He claimed that god came to him in a dream and spoke to him through the voice of everyone on Earth layered over one another. At first it was incomprehensible, as each person seemed to be saying something completely different from one another, but as he listened close enough, mentally sifting through a couple billion broken little harmonies, he could hear his own in the jumble; and his own voice told him that the sun was the incarnation of the devil, and the only way to paradise was through darkness. From then on, something inside of him just clicked. He went from a believably well-intentioned man with bursts of eccentricity to someone completely different; everything about him became more controlling, more desperate, more mean." ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ "The more that I think about it, the sadder I get. I was just a kid. I never asked to be born like this, I never wanted to have anything to do with any of this. They told us that we were dirty, we were tainted, and it was from the kindness of their hearts that they showed us the way to paradise. They made me feel indebted to their abuse. From the moment I could talk I was taught prayers and threats, and the moment I took my first steps I was knocked down to my knees and told to submit. I was just a kid." ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ "You know, this is something I’m rather ashamed to admit, but sometimes I really wish I hadn’t had the chance to escape. Things were horrible in that cult, but it was stable, it was normal. I didn’t have the perspective that life could be better for me, I hadn’t yet learned that there was more to existing than following someone’s orders. And that, in itself, held its own strange sense of comfort. Maybe if I had died in that fire, so ignorant and sad, I wouldn’t be like this. I think that god really doesn’t want me to be happy, that I would've been better off living an incomplete, pointless, miserable life than to ever attempt to feel any better. It's so difficult for me to feel happy, I can't help the feeling that he hates me." . {.⋅ ♡ ⋅.} . ----------------------------------------------------- MP3: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1VVRislLqxVVcoofYtvXjTI28J_VjYJ-G/view?usp=sharing Instrumental: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1Mq6UZAJMy_txX_rx2F0bQJtJbOhwt9Lx?usp=sharing VSQx: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1ansSFTiYj9rInRwqhf_oLvq_xEE2RJPU?usp=sharing